So I decided that I would name either my daughter, or my next dog, Jenevieve. Because I think it is a gorgeous fricking name :)
I was thinking about how I've been induced with eighteen years of force-fed religion, and this is what I have come to think of it.
- What is the deal with heaven, and why is there a supposed hierarchy? Heaven, not just in the Christian faith, is the place where the dead rest in a euphoric eternity. However, in the Christian faith those who do more good works, or have stronger faith (I don't remember which, and intend to properly cite this) recieve more jewels on their crown. How can you be euphorically happy knowing that you could have done better with your time? I realize that this a mortalistic view, and such thought process would not probably occur, and one would just be content with one's actions, but I this isn't nessessarily the point.
- The garden of Eden, and The Tree of Knowledge of and Good and Evil. God placed it there to give man the choice to be sinful if he so chose, and not be God's "little robot." (Which I find incredibly funny when youth pastors use this term as a explanation, considering that IS what the Christian faith intends.) I know that if I don't want my dog to eat a juicy sir-loan, I'm not going to fucking put it on the ground so she can access it. I don't want my dog to eat that sir-loan-- it's bad for her. Or for those of you who think that animals are incapable of decisions, you don't put a huge cookie jar on the counter, in easy access for your four year old.
"What if I told you I don't want to be rich and famous and do modeling shoots for Vogue. What if what I want more than anything is to be away from all the stupid people, the unnecessary bullshit, to learn and understand a simple and cherishing way of life. To maybe one day write with my right hand as well as I do with my left, to visit all fifty states and decide which one I like best, to knit a scarf for my mom because she likes those, to become a dedicated vegan, to learn how to be trilingual, to watch every star wars movie in one sitting, to have a word of the day- everyday, and lastly for the sake of kicks, to understand racism. What if every waking moment I don't care about thinking about if I will die alone, but would rather think about who I could influence. What if I have never read an issue of People magazine, don't know who Adam Brody is, and have never sat down to watch an episode of Laguna Beach. What if I read Nietzsche in my spare time, simply due to his epigrams. What if I'm scared of falling in love because I can't see who I am, and I know I will fall too far and never find myself again. What if I got my inspiration from something other than copying the works of others, and instead just letting my mind sleep. What if, for the sake of argument, I were me."
I wrote this awhile ago, and I'm kind of proud to say I've done/on my way to completing a lot of it. The first sentence is obviously and simply avoided, the second is envisioned-- on a daily basis it seems like. Writing with my right hand as well as my left is more of a life long goal...but I should be practicing I suppose, 7/50 of American states I have been to (haha), knitting is a project I will be picking up soon, I am now vegan, I'm barely consider myself monolingual (ha) but going to learn Spanish and have started on Dutch, still need to watch every Star Wars movie in one sitting (!!), I forget about having a word of the day but I do try, and I have not understood racism and in some ways, I'm not sure that I want to.
I have been blessed with an easy life, a wonderful family and an honest genuine best friend that I have known for eight years now. I don't know much of anything at the moment, but I am going to leave California as soon as I possibly can to see the rest of the world and be educated till my ambition kicks the bucket. I'm still a giant work in process, deciphering which parts of my personality I want to keep or discard. I'm just a simple, stupid, completely curious and open minded girl looking for her niche in this world.
1. Who do you blame for your mood today? "Where's your shitter? I've got a turtlehead poking out."
2. How long do you think you will live? Until age twenty-seven. For it will be then that I kill myself. Unless of course I die before that. Or I decide to not kill myself. So, yeah, I pretty much just predicted the future. <---- Hahaha..I'll have to go with this.
3. What was the first thing you did this morning? I was watching TV.
4. Last person you went out to dinner with? Nobody likes me hahaha :(
5. Do you drink lots of water? I drink lots of _____.
6. How do you vent your anger? I write vague, but hostile facebook statuses of course. <---- Hahaha right?
7. What are you doing this weekend? Probably reading the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Black Dossier! Er, actually, I mean partying and drinking and having intercourse with boys. <---- Uhhh...me too? Obviously of course, considering the rung of the social ladder on which my looks have landed me.
8. When was the last time you threw up? November..lets not talk about it hahaha.
9. What theme does your room have? "I Have Not Good Taste"
10. Would you ever join the military? I don't think I could handle :|
11. The last website you visited? Interesting you ask this, because I happen to be on one right now.
12. Who was the last person you took a picture with? Micheal Jackson.
13. Last person you went to the movies with? Waldo.
14. What did you do/will you do for your birthday this year? I'm not sure yet, but I'm sure it will involve water, a pineapple and nine shots of brown liquor.
15. Is anything alive in your room? My fishh :)
16. Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week? Errr Idk, last week was fun, but I rrreally can't wait until the end of the semester.
17. What's your current mood? PPpPpPPPPppPPPPppppp
18. Do you miss anyone? A lot.
19. Can you sleep without blankets covering you? I can sleep no matta WHAT!
20. Markers or crayons or colored pencils? Kreyoins.
21. Are looks important? Looks to left looks to the right!!!?
22. Do you hate when people smoke around you? Na.
23. Who was the last person to call you? My baby boy, Emile Hirsch, we were just discussing the weekend in Fiji we have planned...
24. Where are you right now? iN yEr bRaiNZ!
25. Have you ever felt replaced? Yesyesyesyesyes.
26. Who will you kiss next? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaha
hhahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
27. Do you want to get married and have children some day? Not into the idea. Maybe. There's a correct process to that, and I don't think it's in the cards for me.
28. Would you date some one 20 years older than you? Eddie Vedder??? :)
29. Is there anyone who doesn't like you because of something you didn't do? You mean shower? It's called my everyday life.
30. Have you ever been searched by the cops? Not legally. ;) <---- Hahahah
31. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters? No. Because I don't ever close my eyes. <---- Ahhh.. yes of course.
32. Have you ever been ice skating? Kcus I
33. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? Hahahehehoho
34. Do you believe in love at first sight? Maybe for some people. That's so boring, though.
35. Do you have siblings over the age of 21? Almost haha :) my sister is going to be 22 in May.
36. Are you happy with your life? Not really, no.
38 Have you ever kissed anyone over the age of 18? Uhh...NO!
As humans, we prioritize anything we deem fit for a happy and comfortable survival- when in fact I think what we embed as our highest form of happiness actually cripples us rather than sustains us. Anything we think we need is only needed as long as we think we need it. It is our nature, as the creatures we are, to be pitiful. To sit on our knees with our mouths open and hands out asking to be rinsed of our iniquities and phased of our nightmares. To be human is to be civil, and such are the ways of civilization. To be human is to be a hierarchy- to be inclusive of what others don't have, what they do have, and more. Being a teenage girl is the proverbial rat race. To be beautiful I must wear make-up. To understand what to do with my beauty I must read Seventeen magazine, and although every issue contains the same information, we digest and regurgitate for a new flavor of baby food. To understand true love I must have a boyfriend, and through this I will have my heart squashed between the tread of his shoes, while semen stains the back of my throat. We are expected to maintain self respect- as we have none. We are expected to buy, smile, and suck on every lie that is hand crafted for our rotting and dismantled persona. Which they happen to induce in the first place. Through all this, we place it under high priority to be accepted. And to be accepted, I have found, lies someplace beneath each of these many little tendencies.
What if I told you I don't want to be rich and famous and do modeling shoots for Vogue. What if what I want more than anything is to be away from all the stupid people, the unnecessary bullshit, to learn and understand a simple and cherishing way of life. To maybe one day write with my right hand as well as I do with my left, to visit all fifty states and decide which one I like best, to knit a scarf for my mom because she likes those, to become a dedicated vegan, to learn how to be trilingual, to watch every star wars movie in one sitting, to have a word of the day- everyday, and lastly for the sake of kicks, to understand racism. What if every waking moment I don't care about thinking about if I will die alone, but would rather think about who I could influence. What if I have never read an issue of People magazine, don't know who Adam Brody is, and have never sat down to watch an episode of Laguna Beach. What if I read Nietzsche in my spare time, simply due to his epigrams. What if I'm scared of falling in love because I can't see who I am, and I know I will fall too far and never find myself again. What if I got my inspiration from something other than copying the works of others, and instead just letting my mind sleep. What if, for the sake of argument, I were me.
"I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same."
"Kids think with their brains cracked wide open; becoming an adult, I've decided, is only a slow sewing shut."
"I did it because if there were someone else, then I wouldn't smell [him] on my skin and taste him on the inside of my lips. I did it because I had been feeling so hollow inside that I feared floating away, like a helium balloon that rose so high you couldn't see the faintest splash of color. And suddenly I knew what became of all those lost balloons: they were the loves that slipped out of our fists; they blank eyes that rose in every night sky."
10 things you wish you could tell someone: 1) You're kinder than you give yourself credit for. 2) I love that no matter what I know you'll always be my friend. 3) I love your smile and all the pureness behind it. 4) You're one of the most amazing people I've had the privilege to get to know. I love that I can tell you whatever's on my mind-- and it's even greater that you actually want to know. 5) You talk shit, when in turn you are just as guilty. 6) It sucks because I know our friendship will never be the same. Who you've made friends with has changed you, and I know what you say about me. I miss you. 7) You're the first person to really remember the little things and better yet, understand the significance they carry. 8) I wish I had as much wisdom as you. I hope to one day have at least half of the self control and maturity you maintain. 9) You have never known me for me. 10) You are so honest, I admire how much of you is truly sincere.
9 things you want to improve about yourself: 1) Patience/tolerance. 2) Competence. 3) Honesty. 4) Vocabulary. 5) Memory. 6) Expressionism. 7) Work ethic. 8) Wit. 9) "IQ."
8 things that bug you: 1) Litter 2) Mayonnaise 3) Lol and *pokes* 4) People who would kill a spider. 5) Wearing flip flops. 6) Bubblegum 7) People who don't understand the correct direction of going up/down stairs. 8) Bed Bath & Beyond
7 things you love: 1) Giraffes 2) Books 3) Daffodils & tulips 4) Rain 5) Tea 6) Flannels 7) Incense
6 things you'd do over: 1) Work harder in school. 2) Uhh? 3) 4) 5) 6)
5 things you want to achieve in your life: 1) See the world. 2) Masters degree-- maybe doctorate? 3) Work with baby animals :) 4) Multiple language fluency. 5) Write something worth it.
4 you're proud of: 1) Graduating. 2) That I know how to use "your" and "you're" (I shouldn't have to be??). 3) Not getting pregnant before 18. 4) My heritage.
3 things you admire in people: 1) PATIENCE! 2) Sincerity. 3) Being opinionated.
2 people you trust with your life: 1) Jessie 2) Anna
For starters, I whine a lot. Oh well? I'm eighteen, I guess it's apart of the job. I'm tired of being the rebound girl, the "eh, she's cute." It isn't to say that I want to ostentatiously beautiful, I enjoy being a mediocre sort of attractive because I avoid a lot of unwanted attention that way. But is it too much to ask for someone who, upon meeting me, would think "dang she was rad, and in her own way beautiful." As far as I know, this hasn't and doesn't happen. Guys end up liking me after I help them out with their girlfriend problems, when I've already stamped them as FRIEND in my head and this makes space for awkwardness on my end. I don't want to be beautiful to every person I meet. I don't want a beauty that is something to be taken for granted, or can be expired through arrogance. I don't want it. I want my own, that not many people know how to appreciate. Maybe? Maybe I just contradicted myself big time. Maybe I just don't know what I'm saying, and that wouldn't be unusual.
I decided I should quit being so negative, so I made a list of all the things I've done right in my life so far.
1. Haven't killed anyone. 2. Haven't gotten pregnant. 3. Haven't been engaged. 4. Haven't gotten an std. 5. Haven't done hardcore drugs or been addicted to any substance. 6. Haven't been kicked out of college/high school. 7. Haven't had to be in the hospital since the day I was born. 8. Haven't gotten in debt. 9. Haven't been kicked out of my parents' house. 10. Haven't affiliated with gangs or been stabbed. 11. Haven't snuffed a sharpie for 10 minutes. 12. Haven't watched a full episode of Hannah Montana. 13. Haven't eaten cow brains. 14. Haven't wasted my time dating. 15. Graduated high school + college. 16. Own a car. 17. Am in school. 18. Volunteer frequently. 19. Decided not to go to CSUF in fall '08 (nothing against Titans, Anna :]) 20. Understood the grammatical differentiation of "your" and "you're." 21.
I haven't blogged in a while. Mostly because I write it ("it") in my journal, and I have nothing exciting going on in my life. I pretty much am at school all during the weekdays, and my weekends are comprised of doing homework for all those classes. It sounds like it sucks a lot, and it some ways it does, but it keeps me busy and keeps stupid drama out of my life. And I do enjoy learning and doing what I can to enhance my mind. I'm glad I don't make dumb decisions when it comes to drugs or letting some guy own my life. I mean, I'm not against having a good time, but I have come to realize that there's a time and place for it. Not while I'm in school trying to get good grades- which will help me in the long run. I can party all I want during spring/summer/winter break, and eventually when I graduate. As for guys, not only is it pointless to have a boyfriend, it's ANNOYING. I'm so tired of people keeping tabs on my ass for one, I'm tired of dealing with having to talk to someone all the time, I'm tired of having to spend every weekend and event with some same person. It gets old, just like this blog entry.
1. Would use correct grammar and punctuation. 2. Be chill and liked by most people. 3. Polite. 4. Make me laugh all the time. 5. Love animals. 6. Love the outdoors. 7. Have direction, academic motivation and intellect. 8. Rarely lie. 9. Play me the blues ♥ 10. Like me for all the little things I am. 11. Understand my passions and would not belittle them. 12. Creative. 13. No tattoos. 14. Not drink or smoke. 15. Witty. 16. TALL. 17. Dutch (hehe :]) 18. Calm and kind-hearted. 19. Can keep a secret. Or two or three or four =) 20. Minutely arrogant. 21. Resourceful. 22. Good at math. 23. Have a good relationship with his family, and get along well with mine. 24. Wouldn't spend a lot of money on me. 25. Strong/athletic. 26. Listen to good music (obviously). 27. Down to earth. 28. Be parallel to my religious beliefs. 29. "Untouchable." 30. BEARD-O.
I feel at a loss with myself, that apart of me is in a different dimension and the other part is here and trying to keep up with it. I feel like I opened my big dumb mouth too many times, that I am a loud obnoxious self-centered bitch with too many flaws to label by name. But, if I were to give it a shot: Stupid, unwitty, self-centered carcass. A waste of the elements, unrefined and withered. Largely uncomplex and unable to register the thoughts of others. Unable to handle myself in social situations. Uncrafty, uneducated, with a head of dead hair. Dead mind, dead emotions, dead receptors. Awkward, narcisstic and self-loathing, I lack true talent. I lack faith, love and joy.
Have you ever established a set of needs, no one was able to fill? Have you ever made a pact with the living, a knot among the dead? Did you ever see the pain for what it's worth, did you ever feel all that it cost? Did you ever house a lie, did you ever paint the truth? Have you ever told the whispers I wrote, have you ever eaten my lies? Have you ever felt the curves of my bones, have you ever drank my truth? Did you keep me locked in a box, did I remember to give you the key?
Don't care about riding in nice cars, don't care about finding my man from Mars.
My name is Brianna, I'm a pretty nice person most of the time I guess. I have this love/hate relationship with bananas, and I never wear sandals. That about covers all the important stuff. I'm a ginormous work in process, still deciphering which parts of my personality I want to keep or discard. I am still just a simple, stupid, completely curious and open minded girl looking for her niche in this world. Knowledge finds arrogance, wisdom misplaces it.
It recently occurred to me how someone's taste in music can profile their personality to a certain degree. Punks whine about how much they hate the world, "emos" whine about how much the world hates them. Dead heads are always just chillin, rap kids think they're the hot shit. Pop songs are catchy and easy to get along with, so are mainstream kids. The kind of music you listen to is what you feel you identity with and therefore you like listening to it. Although, all of us have something to whine about and anyone can relate with that. Pretty much.